So There I Was #8

So there I was, sitting at the party, with a pretty girl sitting behind me, her legs wrapped around me, doing her honest best to give me hickey on my neck while groping me with her free hand…. and her boyfriend sitting 10 feet away glaring at me with murderous intent obvious in his eyes…

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Life Lessons Learned:
(a) When a girl wants something, she’s going to get it, no matter what
(b) Don’t mess with another guys girl (at least not in front of him)
(c) Apparently, drunk women find me very attractive.

So There I Was #7

So there I was, completely hung over, waking to the sound of my mother shrieking and shaking me, to realize that I was sleeping in a bed completely saturated with blood… MY blood…

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Life Lesson Learned: When the doctor putting the stitches into your machete wound advises you to not drink and to just relax and take it easy… LISTEN. (Apparently, alcohol thins the blood and prevents clotting to some degree, and moshing and rampaging at a party is a good way to tear out stitches… who knew.)

So There I Was #6

So there I was, standing in the pouring rain on the edge of the forest, drunk off my butt and clutching a near-empty bottle of vodka, wondering where the pretty young girl I was just talking to may have wandered off to…

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Lesson Learned: None! This was last week at Farmfest up by Gaylord… most fun I’ve had in quite a while

So There I Was #5

So there I was, in my shorts and sunglasses, standing nipple deep on a sandbar in the arctic waters of the Kotzebue Sound with no land in sight and wondering how long hypothermia REALLY takes to set in…

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Lesson Learned:
If no one on your boat knows the safe path through the sandbars… take the long way around. Trust me.

So There I Was #4

So there I was, dressed only in shorts and a t-shirt, half drunk and wading rib-deep through a snow bank in the middle of the night, when the temperature was -40° Fahrenheit, wondering if I’ll ever get the feeling back in the lower half of my body, wondering if someone will FIND my body come morning…

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Lesson Learned:
The garbage does not need to be taken out at 3am. Ever.

(Okay, This one feels like it needs a little more explanation… I was living at the dorms at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks, and for some reason decided to empty my garbage at 3am. Went out the back door of the dorm onto the loading dock, propping the auto-locking door with a rock, ran to the dumpster…. SLAM from behind me, as the door pushed the rock out of the way and locked. The dorm was actually a complex of three dorms and attached hallways, and EVERYTHING was locked except the front door, which is about a 3/4 mile hike from the loading dock door. at 3am. -40 below. in my fucking shorts and t-shirt.

Not so bright sometimes, am I?)

So There I Was # 3

So there I was, staring down the barrel of a hunting rifle pointed squarely in my face, with one hand clenching the loaded .45 in my pocket, hoping that neither the cops in the bushes or the drunken guy in front of me carries this too much further…

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Lesson Learned:
When you’re sitting in your house, 3/4 drunk and all the way stoned, and you hear gunshots outside…… STAY THE FUCK INSIDE.

So There I Was #2

So there I was, lying in a bloody, bruised, tore-up heap approximately 25 feet in front of my own car, while my friends (and I use the term loosely) stand around me asking each other if they think I am dead.

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Lesson Learned:
Drunken Roof Surfing is NEVER a good idea.

So There I Was #1

So there I was, with a nervous grin on my face and a bag of women’s underclothing in my hand, watching my ex-best-friend loading his hunting rifle with shells that all have my name painted on them in pink White-Out.

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Lesson Learned?
Never, ever, ever steal your best friend’s fiance, then go over to his house to retrieve her personal belongings.

So There I Was….

So There I Was….

My newest category, in which I relate some of the interesting, ridiculous, dangerous, outlandish, foolish, embarassing and sometimes humiliating situations in which I have found myself throughout my life, and maybe even the circumstances that led up to them, but always with the invaluable piece of life learning that I took away from the incident.